What the hell was I thinking? I don't remember what I was thinking. I was sitting alone, thinking about something or other. Then Cherie came in and asked me for my help. Help with training. Do you have any idea how long it's been since someone has asked for my help? Four or five years ago, those were the good days. I was sixteen years old when they first started noticing me. Sixteen, dammit! Who the hell gets singled out when they're that young? I did, because I was good at what I did. When I work, I pay attention to my work, and that's all. There's no room for anything else. That hasn't changed. I haven't changed. I'm just as smart, just as strong as I was back then. All those fuckers out there know it, too. Just because of one damn quilava...

No, I'm not going to think about that anymore. I'm not going to blame Nina. I did for a long time, and it's because I was angry about my disgrace. But I shouldn't have blamed her. She and I both know it, and I have talked about it with her. I probably shouldn't have. She has enough trouble as it is, inside her confused little head. I'm pretty sure I added to it when I told her how I lost my reputation when she ran away. She used to stress out about herself and about being in Team Rocket. Now she stresses about me. For example, when I started training her again a couple of months ago, she did her sullen thing every time I told her to do something. Like she was too stupid to understand, or something. You know, she's gotten really good at it... she really does have everyone else fooled. But I never believed it. Anyway, now she tries to do what I say. She tries to learn when I teach her things. But she still can't overcome the ceiling she's made for herself. I've told her over and over that it's all in her head, but she just doesn't understand. She can't see inside herself. But she's getting better. She doesn't hate me anymore, either. God, I love it when she smiles at me and when she talks to me. She never smiled or talked before, really. She's no chatterbox, but she acts like we're friends. She still as tightly-wrapped around other people as she's ever been, but she really opens up around me. I love to see that in her. And I love that she trusts me.

So what the hell do I go and do? I forget about her. No, that isn't true. I didn't forget. I pushed her out of my goddamn mind is what I did. I was so flattered that someone finally recognized my talents. Of course I was going to help the clefable. She needed my expertise. I can't just say no to that kind of thing. And she was interested in me from the beginning, I could tell that. So we trained for an hour or so, then suddenly we were making out on the floor. I've never done anything like that before. You can't understand the way it felt, to have someone respect me and be attracted to me like that. Someone who doesn't look at me with brainless contempt. Her body felt so good against mine, all hot and sweaty from the training we'd been doing. And God, she's beautiful.

So I followed her into her room. The whole time, I knew I shouldn't. I knew that there was someone I had to get back to. It was too late, I had to go to bed. Nina was waiting for me. I kept telling myself that, and I kept ignoring it. I wanted Cherie so bad. I wanted to revel in her respect and I wanted to feel her body pressed close to mine again. And so I did. I got exactly what I wanted, and it was so very wonderful. I was closer to her than I've ever been to anybody.

But why her? I meet her and an hour later I've lost my mind like some wild animal mindlessly fucking because he has no brain to think about anything else. Like I said, I got so close to her, and she's practically a stranger. And all the time, waiting in my room, unsuspecting, lay Nina. She's changed so much, she's let her defenses down so much to be close to me. What did I do to return the favor? Did I let myself get close to her? Did I open up and let her inside me? Not really, no. I'm her friend and she knows it, but I've never really let down the professional wall I've built up between us. How can I keep her out, when she has no one else to turn to? She's all alone in the world besides me. I look at the way Rockets act towards her and I look at the way they act towards me. I have nothing to complain about. I've protected her and comforted her and she needs me, and I want to give her everything she needs.

But Cherie is still fresh in my mind. It's only been a few hours. I can still feel her, still smell her sweaty body. I can still feel what she gave me that I haven't had in Team Rocket for years. What's so wrong with that? Why shouldn't I enjoy the memory? Why shouldn't I go back to her, like she wants? Good question. Here's another one: Why am I so afraid that Nina will find out? I know she won't like it. Of course she won't! She needs me to be close to her. If I'm so close to Cherie, what room will there be for Nina? I can't do that to her. I know what I could have with Cherie. I've felt it. But I can't have that and be there for Nina. The quilava needs me and trusts me.

Now I've gone and fucking scared her again. She's so paranoid, and I can't blame her. Like I said, without me she has no one. I saw what she was like when they brought her back to Team Rocket. Even before they'd punished her for escaping, it was horrible. I've seen her stubborn side and her rebellious side, and I've seen her crying because she got beaten and teased and kicked around and couldn't take it anymore. I've even seen her angry. But she was nothing when they brought her back in. I looked into her eyes and I saw emptiness and I was afraid of it. It was like she was dead - dead but walking. I'm the only reason she's found life again. This morning, I was exhausted. She asked me why I was coming in so late, where I'd been. I couldn't tell her not to ask, because I /want/ her to ask. I don't want her to be afraid to ask me anything. But I couldn't tell her. I made something up, but it was weak and it didn't really tell her anything. I saw her biting her lip afterwards. That's a really bad sign. She knows something is wrong. God, I hope I can smooth this over. I'm terrified that Cherie will come walking up one day, come to see me, and Nina will find out what I've done, and she'll break again.

I've really assed things up this time, that's for sure.